Not every family business is rife with strife. Most families report that they work hard at getting along, both in the workplace and at the kitchen table. But face it, sibling rivalries can and do take place, and father-son fisticuffs are the stuff of legend.
While some women have reported to me that their husbands go to work to escape the family feud, others report the unenviable position of being the family peacekeeper, or in this case, the referee.
Can anyone be the referee? Sure, but why would you want the role? It is a thankless job that is more likely to make one or more individuals you care about angry with you. Despite the referee’s great efforts at remaining unbiased, one side or the other—sometimes both—feel the ref is unfair.
In all my years of working with families in business, I have never seen or heard of the father taking the ref job. For some reason, the role falls to the mother. While we could spend generations studying the reason why, accepting this fact might lead to quicker conflict resolution.
When there is a fracture in the marital relationship, the referee job is often up for grabs. This is one reason most family businesses do not last past the first generation. With the divorce rate in this country at around 49 percent, having a ref is a luxury.
While it was stated that the referee position is one of peacekeeper, that is not always a defined role. Many refs are there to keep the combatants at arm’s length, not necessarily to make peace with them or between them. And, from time to time, the referee may need to take sides, challenging the thinking of one over the other. The referee can’t fence-sit. It involves remaining active and in-the-know about what is going on. It involves making tough decisions, often in split second fashion, to help the business move forward. The referee must keep the mission of the organization paramount, and must continue to make decisions that keep that in mind. Finally, the referee must appreciate the rules of the game and the game itself above all else, which often leads to what some refer to as “tough love.”
One mother referee was concerned about the relationship the father had with his two sons, one of whom was hand-picked by the father to run the business after he stepped down, and the other who was slated for nothing. The tension rose between mother and father, but the mother would not let the father abandon the second son. While she realized an equal role was not possible, she eventually brokered a deal which set the second son up in a business quite apart from the original family venture. Her insistence on fairness was paramount, and as the ref, she knew that treating each the same was not fair or just. While this middle ground did not develop overnight and took some angst before it was arrived at, it was her insistence that made the difference. The family goes forward today with challenges, but a sense that the referee made the right call for all.
To get to the position of referee, both sides must informally agree that someone is right for the job. They must be intrinsically trusted. This usually comes with a track record of making decisions that are fair in other, less taxing circumstances.
But don’t be enamored with the role of referee. While it carries much power and sway, it also carries the potential of alienation. One mother referee exclaimed to me, “I simply can’t win.” That is right; she can’t. While some mother-mediated sessions turn out like the true story above, many have gone the other way.
But imagine a football or basketball game without officials… We need the referee! Calling your own fouls only goes so far and is likely to lead to more problems than having a referee.
But remember, if you are the ref, you don’t get to stand up on the victory stand. Your victory is the knowledge that the family business moves forward with all sides playing fairly in the sandbox. Your celebrations will be alone and will remain anonymous.
-David Borst, Ed.D., is executive director and chief operating officer of the Family Business Legacy Institute, a regional resource hub for family businesses. He can be reached at david@fbli-usa.com.
